LGL RABBITMy mother always knew she’d die of cancer – that or a heart attack. She’d been a heavy smoker since she was 18 and I mean heavy. At one stage she was smoking over 60 cigarettes a day.

It was no surprise when, after a bout of pneumonia, doctors found the tell-tale signs on a chest X-ray and diagnosed stage four lung cancer. The surprise was she was already 81 years old and had outlived my father by almost fifteen years.

I raced down from Staffordshire to Hampshire to find her in good spirits. The doctors had told her she had a few weeks left or maybe a couple of months, and she shrugged at the news. “I’ve had a good life. I’m fine about it. I’m ready to go,” she said.

She was ready to depart this life until she found out I was writing a thriller. My mother was a huge reader and although she’d read and enjoyed my comedies to date, especially the early ones where she’d been the inspiration for Amanda Wilson’s partying mother, the thought I was writing a thriller – her favourite genre – made her eyes light up. “Tell me about it,” she said, patting the settee next to her. I did. I was setting the book part in Staffordshire and part in Hampshire where I’d spent many years. Her eyes shone as we discussed the places I mentioned, each bringing back happy memories. ‘Tell me more when you visit next time,’ she said, as she settled down for the night. “I want to read this book of yours. When will it be published?”

“January 2017,” I replied.

‘I’ll try and make it.”

Days turned into weeks. I would travel down to Farnborough by train, go through the book with my mother and we’d reminisce. Each evening, I would stay at a nearby hotel because she didn’t want me to hear her coughing all night, and I would type for several hours, sometimes all night, ideas fresh in my mind from talking to Mum and emotion running high as I worried about her.

Weeks turned to months. “I don’t think I have cancer at all,” she’d say, dressed in her best blouse and lips painted fuchsia pink. “I feel fine.” She seemed well although she was losing weight. I took her out for her 82nd birthday and we drank wine. “I haven’t had wine for months,” she said, with glee. Back home she insisted I read some of the draft to the book. I never normally read my drafts to anyone but I did. “I like Robyn Carter,” she said. “She has guts. She’s a good character.”

In brief, my mother became my supporter for what was to become LITTLE GIRL LOST. She listened to each idea, chapter, and characterisation and praised or suggested alterations.

The month I was due to submit the script – my first ever thriller, I was working flat out day and night. Travelling to and from Farnborough and lack of sleep was taking its toll on my own health. Anxiety at what was to come, ate at me. Mum, however, was in good form, determined she was going to Cyprus in September to visit friends as she did every year, and was trying to get clearance from the doctor to fly.

The first week of August she wasn’t too well. She sounded tired and vague. I said I’d catch a train and visit her. ‘No. Finish that book. I want to read it,’ she said. ‘I’m fine.’

I went anyway and it was clear she wouldn’t be able to go to Cyprus. She’d taken a turn for the worst. She was glassy-eyed as I talked to her and not really listening. When I stood to leave, with promises I’d be down again the following week. She shook her head. ‘No. Don’t come down. I’m too tired for visitors. I want to read your book. It sounds wonderful. Finish it.’

By now, the book was behind schedule and I’d missed my deadline. I had to get it to my editor. I typed well into each night, changing, rewriting, remembering what Mum and I had talked about. Fuelled by medication and emotion, I poured my heart and soul into every word.

August 23rd 2016, at 4.30 p.m. I pressed the send button. My manuscript had gone. I booked a ticket to travel to Farnborough for that weekend. Fifteen minutes later I received a call to say my mother had just passed away.

It seems too great a coincidence to me that she hung on until the very day LITTLE GIRL LOST was submitted. Not even the same day but only a quarter of an hour after I pressed the send button. Maybe I read too much into it all, but I see my mother as the book’s good luck charm. It was the book that made me a name. It was the book that soared up the Amazon charts and brought me success and it is the book that will forever be the book I wrote for my mother.

* * * * *

LITTLE GIRL LOST became the #2 best-selling book on Amazon UK charts #9 best audiobook, a top ten best-seller in Pocket Shop bookshops, and was a top 150 best-seller in USA Today charts.

 

 

40 Comments

    1. Chris, thank you so much. It was a difficult time but productive and we shared many happy memories and a laugh. She really did live up to the character of Amanda’s mother – right to the end.

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  3. I was so moved to read your post, Carol. Your mum sounds like a hugely special person – insightful and full of spirit. With my ‘mum’ hat on, I can only imagine sharing that precious time with you and the excitement of you creating Little Girl Lost must have made a massive difference whilst she was going through her illness. x

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    1. Thank you so much, Clare. My mum and I didn’t have enough of those mother/daughter moments. I’m so thankful I got to at least share that one with her. I like to think it gave her some focus although I’m not sure who was helping who the most! Really appreciate your lovely words here. XX

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  4. I remember when you were dashing down to spend time with your mum. She really did sound like a wonderful character., and I’m sure she really did carry on until she knew that you had pressed that sound button! ❤️❤️

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    1. She certainly was a character, Diane. I’m glad I modelled Amanda’s mum on her. I think the writing brought us closer in the end. This post is my homage to her. I wish she could have seen the outcome of the book she thought would help shape my future yet in a way, I think she always knew it would be a success.

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  6. I loved reading the book (as well as the others) but it was really lovely to know the inspiration behind this book and I believe your mum held on until you pressed that send button – she had faith in your book & wanted to make sure that you didn’t doubt yourself. 😊

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    1. Linda, thank you for your wonderful message. I must admit, I believe she somehow knew. She and I had a turbulent relationship but were very connected if you know what I mean. She claimed she was ‘fey’ and I have every reason to believe she was. XXX

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. Mum was amazing. She never once complained about being ill, and was independent and extremely practical right up until the very end. It took over a year for me to accept she’d gone. I kept all her text messages to me and used to read them over as if they were new ones. This year I wanted to share the experience as she played such an important part in the writing of the book and in some of the scenes you can see where I was showing emotional strain. xx

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  9. Read your post Carol and can’t imagine how tough that must have been to keep an eye on your mum and get the book finished – she must have given you great strength throughout this difficult time and I am sure she will be very proud of you now.

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    1. Thank you so much, Mary. Lovely to hear from you. It was an emotional roller-coaster and looking back I think she provided enough strength for the both of us. She was a courageous lady. xx

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  13. Lovely memories for you, Carol. I’m sure your mum is looking over your shoulder, in anticipation, each time you write! She sounds very much like my mum, who was only 64 when she died. The life and soul of any gathering, my role model in life. Will think of your mum when I am partying here in Cyprus xxx

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    1. Thank you so much, Tricia. I’m sorry you lost your mum when she was so young. Mine loved Cyprus. After my father passed away, her friends in Cyprus and trips there kept her going. Party like mad for us both! xx

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  14. Moving, poignant, sad and yet uplifting. You gave her reason to hold on, determined both you and she finish that book. Am sure she smiled, knowing both your jobs were done. Lovely post, Carol. thank you for sharing. xx

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    1. Kit, thank you. It took a long while before I could even write this post as it was too painful, but you’re right, I think the book gave her a purpose and kept her going for a while longer. I so wish she were here today to share in its success… but in a way, she is, and always will be. XX

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    1. We spoke a lot about you in the last few months of her life and she said she would have loved to have met you in person. You are so very alike – both filled with life and energy and I love you both xx

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  16. What a wonderful story, Carole. I can quite see how your circumstances at the time made that book extra special. I am sure it must give you great comfort to know how deeply involved with it your mother was. The story behind the publication of my first ever book has similarities to yours. Though in my case, my mother did read the completed book – Just Before Dawn – in typescript form. But she died of a stroke, completely unexpectedly (I was only 38), the year it was published, but 8 months too soon to see it. I have the comfort of knowing she died in the knowledge that her daughter (who left school at 16) was going to be a published author.

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    1. Oh bless you! What a coincidence and I am so sorry your mother passed away so unexpectedly. I am sure she was very, very proud of you. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. It was a difficult post to write but I am sure that somehow my mum knew that all was going to be okay for me… she was my good luck charm throughout the writing. X

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  17. I so remember that gruelling time in your life, mon ami. That was no coincidence that she passed away only 15 minutes after you had pressed the Send button. I’m so pleased that she was so involved with the book. Your mum sounds like a lovely character, who loved life. Sending hugs to you xx

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    1. Thank you ever so much for dropping by, Diane and for your lovely comment. It was probably the worst time of my life and had it not been for friends like you, (and Mr Grumpy) I would have gone under. Mum was small in stature but had a huge presence and many friends. She was just like Amanda’s mum, Grace in my first two books and such a character. At least I have the knowledge she enjoyed being portrayed in those books and was proud to have been part of them. Towards the end, she said she used to lurk on my blog too and read it… just like Amanda’s mum did… and loved all the comments made by everyone. I think she felt a bit of a celebrity in her own right. My affectionate hugs to you too xxx

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    1. Thank you, Claire. I’m sure it wasn’t a coincidence. She always claimed to be ‘fey’ and admitted she would talk to me in he read all the time. Every time I submit a script, I always say a little thank you to her. xx

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